Dealing With Loss While Working Full-Time

I'm writing this article, not for sympathy but as a think piece around what it's like to deal with loss and grief while working full-time. On July 20th of this year, my beautiful mother, LaWanda White passed away unexpectedly. This happened while I was sitting in the hospital with my husband. 2.5 weeks later on August 7th, my beloved husband, Mark Goff passed away after a brief yet fierce battle with lung cancer.

When I called my boss to tell her my mother had passed, she was so kind, supportive and compassionate. I remember her telling me not to think about the job and to focus on my family. The team sent me GrubHub donations so that I didn't have to think about cooking and the words of support were truly comforting.

During this time, I had to file for FMLA because we learned my husband had Stage IV inoperable lung cancer, so I was going to need to take time off to take care of him. I have to say, the treatment I received from our benefits team made what was a truly painful time, more bearable. The team was so helpful and kind and helped me navigate the process. My company's policy is also something to note because I still received 100% of my salary which was a relief when I knew that I couldn't work. I was living at the hospital by this point. The last thing you ever want to do is be worried about paying your bills when you are under the stress and strain of the death of and/or a sick loved one.

2.5 weeks later, I had to call my boss again after the doctors told me that my husband was in the active phases of dying. Mark was surrounded by 25 people, all touching him and I held his hand as he took his last breath. I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was send my boss a text to let her know he'd passed.

The outpouring of love and support that I received from so many at my job was a major comfort during such an awful time, and that meant and means so much to me. They sent me more GrubHub donations, a care package made with so much love and this time other teams donated.

The first week after Mark passed was a complete blur. I took a month off to breathe and process all that had happened and during that time they checked on me to make sure I was okay. The day I found myself walking around the house, looking at the dog and asking, "Who do I grieve first?", I knew it was time to go back to work. Not to avoid the grief but to give me something to do that wasn't about grief, death, my mom or Mark. When I returned, the amount of compassion, kindness and support I received was nothing short of miraculous.

I won't lie and say that it's been easy, but having a soft place to land with my job has definitely been a blessing.

So why am I sharing this story? Because this experience has taught me the importance of working for companies that treat their employees with compassion but also back it up with their policies. I've worked in situations where the treatment was not the experience I've had and I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have the support I've received.

I can also say that 1 or 2 weeks of bereavement is not enough quite honestly, because that's not how grief works. Grief is this thick, viscous, all-consuming thing that you can't get away from. I compare it to the movie "The Blob." It's this alien thing that consumes everything in its path and it gets stronger the more it consumes. You can't outrun it and the only way to deal is to go through it.

The waves of grief come in at random moments, like hearing a song that reminds you of your loved one, a memory comes up, or the year of the "firsts"-Example: my wedding anniversary was 2 weeks after Mark passed. My mom's birthday was last week and both knocked me down in different ways. Then there are the "grief ambushes," these are the moments that come out of nowhere and feel like a massive gut punch. One day, I'd left work early to go to the bank to sign paperwork in order to close my mother's accounts. The reality of her death was hitting home as I had to do something that was so final. I got home and in the mail was Mark's death certificate and his tissue donation certificate. I was nonfunctional the rest of the day. I told my team that I was no good and the response I received was, "Please log off and don't think about this place."

Even my client partners were amazing. The level of support I have received has been nothing short of astounding. But as I said, I know this isn't typical, even though it should be. My sister has a childhood friend whose mother was in hospice and her job wouldn't give her time to take off with pay so she had to do a GoFundMe. Her mother passed 3 days later and she's not okay after having lost her father earlier this year as well. No human being should have to choose between working to survive and being able to care for a sick loved one or taking time to grieve.

The thing about death, dying and grief is that it's an uncomfortable thing to talk about. Unless you have experienced it, you can contextualize it but you can't really understand it. And the thing is, grief looks so different for each person. Losing a parent, especially your mother is a hurt that can't be understood unless it's happened to you. The best I can say is that the person who carried you closest to their heart for 9 months is gone and a piece of your soul goes with them.

Losing my husband is a different hurt because I now have to grieve the fact that he's not here, but also, I'm grieving all the plans we'd made that won't come to pass, and all the moments he will miss. My mom is the person I would call when I was feeling sad and she would always have words of comfort or she'd pray over me. My husband was the person I talked to about everything and he'd normally be holding my hand as I deal with my mother's passing. But neither of them are here and quite honestly, it feels so unfair. Even the dog feels it. She still goes in my husband's office looking for him. She sleeps on his side of the bed on his pillow because his scent must still be on it.

Here are some things that managers and companies can do for their employees when they experience loss.

1) Consider a time off policy to allow the employee to process their grief, not just the 1 or 2 weeks for bereavement. No one talks about the time after the funeral and the year of firsts that come after all the pomp and circumstance has settled down.

2) Make sure your employees aren't being penalized for needing time off. When someone is grieving, it can feel like another form of traumatization in an already difficult situation.

3) Make sure you have some sort of grief support in place for your employees, because what I can say for me personally is that it's been my faith, my family and friends, and my grief support groups/counseling that have sustained me.

4) As a manager, I know that business has to go on, but please find a way to lead with compassion and grace. The way you handle a grieving employee can make a huge difference. I can say that based on my experience, I want to do everything I can to make my boss look good and contribute to the team. I was already a high performing member, but I will go above and beyond for my boss and my team because of how kind they have been.

5) When someone experiences loss, they don't know what they need. You are doing good enough to get out of the bed quite honestly. So if you want to do something for a team member, a gift card for something like Uber Eats or GrubHub is a truly thoughtful gift. Or if the person has a dog, a donation for doggy day care. Flowers are nice but they eventually die and weirdly, that can be traumatizing because it's another form of death.

6) As the employee, while grief is a personal and private thing, please speak up and say when you aren't okay. When you come back to work and act like everything is okay, people assume that you are fine. Don't assume people will know when you are struggling. And if you are overwhelmed and can't speak up, find an advocate to do it for you.

I'm sure I could go on and on but I'd love to hear thoughts from those working in the People and Culture space for how their companies handle these situations.

And lastly, this experience has taught me to take nothing for granted. Love on your people and leave nothing unsaid because tomorrow is a gift not a guarantee...