How to Understand the Other Party's Needs

We’ve had some very large deals go right recently, and they’ve all began by setting this baseline with the other party first: “We find it’s best to work in a way where everyone wins and no compromises are needed. We’ll be very transparent about what success looks like for us, we’d love to learn the exact same from you, even if there seems to be some initial dissonance. Then we’ll see if there’s a way forward we’re all happy with. If not, we’ll save you time and recommend others who might best fit what you’re looking for. Would that be alright?” Business relationships are human relationships. As such, it’s important that we see and value what matters to the other people in the relationship. Experience has taught me what makes life hard, and it’s mostly not feeling seen as a person. People’s first desire is to help others in a way that meets their own needs, so showing up in a way that’s considerate tends to be very well-received. People want a partner who: 1. Is calm and easy to work with 2. Asks questions early and often 3. Makes decisions promptly 4. Values their time and effort 5. Does their part on-time and as agreed 6. Gives them more of what they want. Basically, they want to be seen and heard as a person who matters, not as an object. Don’t we all want that? Enter the conversation not looking for a deal or bargain where someone gets taken advantage of. Instead, seek to find a fit for our needs that also fits their needs, because they matter like we matter. So, how do we bring all 6 points to our relationships? 1. Showing up calm, collected, and committed to staying that way. This is a product of knowing we won’t put ourselves in a bind. Meaning, we aren’t going to say yes until we are 100% confident this is what we both want, so we have nothing to fear and our guard is down. 2. A dumb question, by defintion, is literally the one that goes unspoken. So we ask every question that comes to our mind. We are entitled to all information about a transaction before making a decision, but it’s on us to ask the questions before making the decision. 3. Once we have all of the information we need to make a confident decision (on us to ask for it and set proper expectations), we need not hesitate. 24-48 hours to consider all facts is typically more than enough time. If we feel it isn’t, we probably lack critical info rather than sufficient time. 4. When the objectives, challenges, and needs of others matter like mine do, we value their time and effort like our own. Recognize that the people on the other end of the line or table are people like us, and value them as we’d think they’d want to be valued. 5. Make our word our bond by getting clear on our commitments before we agree to them, and once agreed, we follow through on-time (or early) and as agreed (or beyond). 6. This relationship may or may not make sense for us, but we likely know someone who might benefit. Offer intros either way. The best way to work is with an #outwardmindset.

Three hacks I recommend to my executive coaching clients before they go into a challenging conversation: 1️⃣ Ground in your values before you go into the conversation. Write down three words to answer this question: "How do I want to be perceived by the person I'm talking with today?" This is a fast way to check that your planned behavior aligns with your values. 2️⃣ Get curious. Google the "Ted Lasso get curious scene" if you need inspiration. Many times, conflict happens because two people simply aren't seeing each other. They get so stuck in their own perspective, fears, and hurt that they aren't able to see the other person's viewpoint. Go into the conversation with the intention of asking questions to better understand the person across from you. 3️⃣ Reflect the other person's perspective. Even if you disagree with someone, you can always make them feel heard. You can listen to them and "reflect" back what you hear them saying. Say: "Here's what I hear you saying. {Summarize in your own words.} Am I getting that right?" Reflecting allows us to help another person feel heard, and then you can present your own alternative opinion on the topic. We're always going to bump with other people inside our work lives and personal lives. We're all different humans with different perspectives, values, ideas, motivations, fears, joys, and needs. When we're different, we will naturally bump into others. Our goal isn't to prevent friction. Our goal is to make friction a useful tool for productive conversation. As long as we can see each other, we can move forward together. We can turn conflict into a trust-breaker into a trust-maker. I want to know from you, LinkedIn friends: How do you prepare for a challenging conversation with someone?

In a world bustling with surface-level interactions, the rarity of deep conversations often leaves many of us yearning for more substantial connections. Despite our innate desire for profound interactions, we frequently find ourselves trapped in the maze of superficial exchanges. One of the fundamental barriers lies not in the questions we ask, but in our ability, or rather inability, to truly listen—to listen not just to words, but to the emotions and feelings that underpin them.   At the heart of this issue is the psychological challenge of reflective listening. Reflective listening is more than just a skill; it's an art that requires us to be fully present, empathetically engaged, and sincerely interested in the person we are communicating with. In our fast-paced, distraction-laden world, our minds are often elsewhere during conversations. This lack of presence means we are listening to respond, rather than listening to understand. Consequently, conversations skim the surface, rarely touching the depths of what the other person truly wishes to express.   Moreover, societal norms and our own insecurities play a significant role in shaping the depth of our conversations. Many of us fear being vulnerable or judged, leading us to erect barriers that keep our true feelings and thoughts safely hidden. This fear of vulnerability is mirrored in our listening habits—we shy away from engaging deeply with someone else's emotions, perhaps because it feels too intimate, or because we fear not knowing how to respond appropriately.   The solution to transcending these barriers does not lie in crafting more intelligent questions. Rather, it lies in developing our capacity to listen empathetically. This involves tuning into not just the words being spoken, but also the emotions and unspoken feelings behind them. It means creating a safe space where the other person feels heard, understood, and accepted. This kind of listening fosters trust and opens the door to conversations that delve beneath the surface.   Empathetic listening requires us to set aside our judgments and preconceptions, allowing us to connect with the person on a human level, beyond the boundaries of our own experiences and perspectives. It involves paying attention to non-verbal cues—tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language—which often communicate more than words.   By honing our ability to listen deeply—to emotions, feelings, and the unsaid—we can break down the psychological barriers that often confine our interactions to the superficial. In doing so, we open ourselves up to a world of richer, more fulfilling connections that resonate with the core of our human experience.   #listening #meaningfulconversations #leadership