When we close our eyes, we can focus our attention inward.
As we do, we can consider ourselves and what we need — a practice known as mindful self compassion. We can also notice the rhythm of our breath as it naturally rises and falls, with no need for us to make it happen.
For caregivers, people who provide life-sustaining services to their loved ones, a moment of meditation may be the only stillness in their day.
These kinds of self-care practices are crucial to support the mental health of caregivers, many of whom work unpaid and round the clock to bathe, prepare meals, manage doctor appointments and administer medication for their family members and close friends, said Nikki Bagli, a caregiver counselor and clinical consultant at Sound Generations.
Each year, The Seattle Times Fund for Those in Need raises money for charities that help children, families and older adults. Throughout the season, we tell the stories of people and organizations who make a difference in the lives of thousands, and the impact donors can have.
Sound, a nonprofit organization in King County serving aging adults and their loved ones since 1967, offers a variety of programs to support caregivers, including counseling services, transportation, and communal support groups. The agency, which also runs programs for aging adults like Meals on Wheels, home repair assistance, and education to prevent falls, is one of 13 social-service agencies benefiting from The Seattle Times’ annual Fund for Those in Need.
Anyone age 18 or older who lives in King County is eligible for support from Sound’s caregiving program. Their loved one must live in a private residential setting rather than a nursing home, adult family home or independent living facility. The idea is to support keeping people in their homes, a concept known as “aging in place.”
There’s an urgency to support families and help them develop sustainable practices for caring for their loved ones: Within the next few decades, the population of older adults — people over the age of 65 — will grow beyond 20%. The nonprofit AARP estimates that there are more than 800,000 unpaid caregivers in Washington, up from about 640,000 in 2007.
AARP estimates that the economic value of unpaid caregivers’ contributions nationwide is $600 billion, an increase from $470 billion in 2017 and following a quarter-century rise.
“We’re feeling that demand now,” Bagli said. “We already have a waitlist to reach people.”
Part of the need for care support stems from how society treats older adults, Bagli said. Many of us operate from our personal fears about aging and illness and would rather avoid facing the reality of their needs.
And the strain of caregiving can have tragic effects. A widely-cited study from 1999 explored caregiving as a risk factor for death. Researchers found that caregivers who provide support to their spouse and report mental, emotional and physical stress were 63% more likely to die within four years, compared to non-caregivers. Another study published in 2018 found that 18% of caregivers supporting a spouse with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia died before their care recipient.
More recent research has shown the impact the coronavirus pandemic had on caregivers: A survey of nearly 700 residents in Alberta and British Columbia found that almost 29% of respondents experienced anxiety and almost 39% experienced depression.
On a Wednesday morning at The Museum of Flight in Tukwila, Sound invited dozens of caregivers from throughout the county to a luncheon to provide a few hours of pampering and celebrate their “unsung” work, said Brittany Blue, Sound’s Chief Marketing & Philanthropy Officer. Activities included writing poetry, making artwork, and receiving back massages.
“We see you,” Blue said to the guests. “We want you to feel good about what you do and help you establish healthy habits.”
In one activity, led by Bertha Marselis, a teaching artist at SilverKite Community Arts, participants had the opportunity to write a letter “telling themselves how awesome they are and that they matter to the world,” she said.
Jessica Partnow, who sat down at the craft table, said attending the event was “just a nice chance to take time for myself.”
Her husband, Kurtiss, had a stroke three years ago, and it took a while for her to find resources. Because Partnow works part-time jobs to earn money for the couple, they’re largely ineligible for Medicaid services. And because she’s married to Kurtiss, she doesn’t qualify for payment through Medicaid.
“This is what you sign up for when you get married,” she said, “but this was not our plan at this stage.”
She prepares his meals and manages his appointments. Because he gets around in a wheelchair that can sometimes get stuck in their home doorways, she doesn’t like to be away from him for more than a few hours.
Slowly, she’s met friends through stroke survivor support groups and is finding ways to reconnect with her profession of journalism. Card-making appealed to her because it’s pretty and colorful. “Coloring, I can manage,” she said.
Some people may not even realize they are caregivers, Bagli said. Much of this work falls on women, who are often expected to take up the nurturing tasks in the family.
Sisters Jenny Flesch and Julie Nord, who take care of their older mother, said having each other for support “makes all the difference.”
“You can laugh and cry and have someone to help unload with,” Nord said. “My sister helps me get energized so I can go back and face it.”
Flesch said she also grapples with complicated emotions. She loves her mother and is grateful to be able to care for her. But she also wonders how long her season of caretaking will last and whether she will enjoy her own retirement.
Aging can change the nature of relationships and with it, bring anger or guilt, Bagli said. Caregivers often put themselves on the back burner and drain themselves in favor of serving their loved one.
“You’re using your brain for yourself and other people,” she said. “You can’t sustain that forever.”
That’s why taking a few minutes for personal reflection or silent meditation can be so important, she said. Think about what you give to others — compassion, empathy, grace — and give that back to yourself. Then, return to the figurative well whenever you need it.
Going for walks or scheduling personal time can provide that respite to re-energize. But if time is a constraint, closing your eyes and practicing breathing techniques can give yourself a boost to keep going.
Dave Mampel said he had to learn about how to reach out to others for help when he needed a break caring for his mother and father, who recently died in September from prostate cancer.
“I was fainting,” he said. “I was so stressed I couldn’t think.”
Sometimes, he said, the only moment alone he had was crying in his car.
At the event, in a group together, he and other caregivers shared tips to alleviate the stress of caregiving. Tips like: ask for help, remember that you’re not alone — and write down recipes while you have a chance.
“We tell our mom, ‘You cared for us for so many years. Now, it’s our turn to care for you,’ ” Nord said.